This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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