The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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