I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
