No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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