i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
