dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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