someone threw a dead crab at me
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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