a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think my moral compass just broke
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