I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
