im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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