Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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