Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.