i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
