I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
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omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
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You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..