Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
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im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.