just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?