the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
