Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
