We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
There's even glitter on my cock...
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