4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
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the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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