she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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