you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
