only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
