Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
