remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
3pm strippers are depressing
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
