when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
