I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
