Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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