I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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