My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Randomize
