i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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