I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
