So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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