Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
