Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
