VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
