If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
