is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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