the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
