My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Girls should come with a carfax report
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
