I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
