ya dads aren't the best wingmen
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
