I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
