oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
