We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
