I met the friendliest cop last night
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
being pregnant is like rehab
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
