two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
