sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
