So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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