I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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