Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
