how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
