Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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