This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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