I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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