So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
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Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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