i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
