Dual....:-)
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
