Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
