You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize