Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
