alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
