I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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