After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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