My sheets look like a crime scene.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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